Monday, May 12, 2008

cancer pity party, pastrami and the handys

Pity party

The ups man came and brought a gift to me today.

“Cancer patient” is how it was addressed.

I didn’t ask to be a cancer patient and it still sounds weird sometimes to mouth those scary words. C-A-N-C-E-R- P-A-T-I-E-NT. Yikes.

So I had a pity party. I cried and cried hard. I even sobbed a little. Why me?
Theres a million jerks who deserve cancer and Im not one of them.
I have so much to live for -
So much more to accomplish.
Im not finished yet.
I have lots more work to do. Finish my book. Make a country record. Make a gospel record. Make a Spanish / French language record. Make a 50’s vato oldies record. See my boys get married. See my grandbabies born. I have way more LOVE LOVE LOVE to spread around this wicked plant.

I cried so hard, my eyes are all red and my contact lenses are all cloudy. I
Felt nauseated again today. This is my third bad day in a row. I keep waiting for the good day but it seems elusive. I took a qui gong class this morning and it was really good. It was really blissful and I had a smile on my face the whole time as I connected to the white light energy. It was really beautiful. But then when I came home, I started having a stomachache. For breakfast I had kashi with soy milk and a banana. I had three teaspoons of hemp seed with the cereal. For lunch I had three shots of wheat grass and tuna from cream of the crop on 16 nut and rice crackers and an asian pear. But my stomach was churning so much I thought I would puke. I am tired of being sick. I feel like I cant get anything done. That’s the hardest part. I have so much I want to do and only a few good hours when I feel well enough to do them.

I smoked a big bowl in my vaporizer. Thank G-D for weed and especially for medical marijuana. Weed is the only thing that makes me well enough to put my pain aside and do something in spite of it. I cant stand pain pills because they make me constipated, give me headaches and cotton mouth. I only took pain pills the first few days I was home and then I quit them. They were causing more pain than I needed. Sometimes the pain is really weird and sharp. It comes suddenly in weird spots all over my abdomen. Its irratic. Everything I eat seems to disagree with me unless its miso soup or some other kind of soup. Even carrot- beet juice made me feel really sick yesterday but then who knows whether it was the juice or not that made me sick??

Anyway, now that I am stoned, ENOUGH pity party! I am going down to the pier to walk while I feel well enough. I know the wind in my hair will feel good even if I do have a bellyache. I don’t want to give in to any more negative thoughts. I am doing amazingly well. It has been just 19 days since my surgery. I am strong and can get up and out of bed without trouble. I can drive. I can walk - slowly. I can cook. (I am making a chicken in the crock pot.) . I cant ride a bike or make love yet, but that will come eventually. I feel relatively good most of the time. I can bend down if I do it slowly. I will continue to get stronger and healthier until I am scurrying down the hill from pacific avenue and skidding out in Billy Watsons driveway again. Until I am going out to places, to sing because I miss it so much. Until I can make love like crazy for hours and not have to worry about how I move and where I am touched.


No more pastrami.

I guess I will never be able to eat a pastrami sandwich again. I like em’ piled high and greasy on rye bread, with Russian dressing on the side. I like cole slaw on em’. sometimes. Canters deli on Fairfax has the best ones. There was a time me and my bf used to talk about getting married at Canters and having our wedding reception in the kibbutz room. That was long ago, long before carcinoid. Long before I was forced to give up pastrami. I suppose I can still eat matzah ball soup. I don’t think that will be bad for my newly scrambled digestive tract. But I fear that my days of The Brooklyn sandwich (half chopped liver, half pastrami) are over now. No more ribs for me. No more Kosher hot dogs. No more fried zucchini. No more briscuit sandwiches. But hey, its all good. I am still alive. I can eat Tomberlies all vegan ice cream now. I can eat eggless tofu salad sandwiches. I can drink fresh juices and above all, I can still eat sushi!! Woo hoo! Life is good and I am grateful to be living it.


I lost the handy award last night.

I knew it would go to Betty Lavette. That’s okay. She deserves it. Shes older and she has a great voice. Evan went down to Tunica to be my representative. He had a fun time hobnobbing with all my blues friends. Tommy Castro, Lynwood Slim, Tab benoit, Bob Margolin, Bob Corritore, etc.. everybody was down there. I wished I could have gone too but Im still too weak to deal with crowds. My voice is really soft. If I had to speak over people and loud music, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I am still too fragile. Its only been 21 days since the surgery. I know I am getting stronger little by little. Maybe I will get nominated next year and win. That would be nice. But just being nominated finally, was a real coup for me. I guess it finally proves that I am good enough in the blues world. I guess it finally proves that I am not just a former X rated big bust model and dancer. It proves that I have transcended my controversial past and am finally being accepted for the singer I have always been. That feels good. That feels vindicating. May all my sexworker friends be able to move on from sex work and be accepted for their own unique talents and virtues. May every one of us be able to live our dreams and pursue our true calling without being marginalized for the choices we have made. I am so blessed and lucky. I know I live a charmed life. Now I just want to keep on living it for a few more decades.


Blogger amy in ct said...

you dont know me but i saw you in december when you were in hartford ct at black eyed sally's. my boyfriend at the time, zeke bought you a martini at the set break.
your music moves me and you are the best performer i have seen in ages. i loved your songs and the lyrics were killer!
recently i went thru a breakup with a guy, not zeke, another one that crushed me even more... and the first thing i did was find my 'toughest girl alive' cd and cranked that song every time i got in the car!
when i read on black eyed sally's website that they were having a benefit concert for you i quickly looked you up and i am so glad you have this blog.
i started my blog when i had that bad break up and it has helped me immensely.
i wish you all the luck in the world and hope to see you in hartford again one day.
i will continue to read your blog... so keep writing!
take care!
amy weirs

6:25 AM  
Blogger Mo'nique said...

No more pity parties my dear sweet friend...

suppose that you went to your mailbox today and you found a small envelope addressed to you. Upon opening the envelope, you found a beautifully engraved invitation inside. Strangely, it was an invitation to a Pity Party.

I am sure you would immediately check the name to find out who was loony enough to send such an invitation. You would skip over the time and place because you would have no intention of attending the event. The R.S.V.P. might pose a problem. How do you say, NO WAY! in a polite way.

I have received invitations to a variety of occasions, but I can honestly say that I have never received and invitation to a Pitty Party. I have, however, attended quite a few in my lifetime. There are always three guests: ME, MYSELF, and I. Those three are the only ones interested in attending.

After all, these parties are not really much fun . . . kind of depressing, you know. Sometimes we even cry. We are not good company at all. I guess that is why we don't send out invitations. Besides, who wouldd come anyway? It is a Pity Party, isn't it?

Let's be honest now. We've all had our Pity Parties, haven't we? David, the great Psalmist, has even recorded a few of his in the Psalms. In Psalm 69, David not only speaks of his own desperation, but the words of the psalm also foreshadow the rejection and suffering of Christ.

Jesus understands those times when we are hurt to the depths of our souls. "Reproach hath broken my heart: and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none" Psalm 69:20. He knows how you feel when it seems you are all alone. He understood David's broken heart just as He understands yours. Yet, even in his depression and oppression, David remembered to praise God and cling to His promises. David was truly a man after God's own heart.

We're human and subject to the bumps, bruises, knocks, and pitfalls of life. But thank God, we don't have to face them alone. We have the comfort of knowing that He will never leave or forsake us. We can, like David, praise Him and cling to His precious promises.

I find that the more I praise Jesus, the less Pity Parties I feel led to attend. I find that when ME, MYSELF, and I are all wrapped up in ourselves, we make a very small package indeed. On the other hand, when Jesus has the place of priority, His presence fills every empty space. ME, MYSELF, and I fade away in the glory of His presence and the Pity Parties cease.

11:41 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home